nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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