I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
