I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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