I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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