This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
