so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
