We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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