dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
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Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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