Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So here I am, sexting at work.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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