she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
