What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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