I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
