I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
