You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
