I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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