I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
