Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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