I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
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