new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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