People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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