You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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