i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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