If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
