Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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