I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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