I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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