My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
