she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
