New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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