Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You're like the curious george of whores
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
