If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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