Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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