May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
