He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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