I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
