and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
