grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
