I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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