So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
