Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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