Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
