God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
