I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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