As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
