I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
