I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
