she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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