nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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