my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
