When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
