The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why didn't you poke me back
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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