just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
