how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Randomize
