If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
