Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
